Hey there friends latley ive been thinking alot about connecting/ loading.
this day in age is about computers and cell phones and gadgets the things i love!"
during my last 7 years of beeing married to someone who wanted the single life and married life
both worlds at once, letting go the life i new so well, being lied too betrayed by two of the closest people i thought he loved me. well i was wrong! and God showed me loud and clear that its ok to let go let God.
i love to hold on to things for as long as i can like old diaries journals, movies/ cassate tapes/ year books since i've had
way back in junior high! through highschool cant let go of those because it was a part of my life who i am.
i was holding on to my marraige so tightly i lost my self in the whole process, if u have a spouse who is not willing to change
i believe that its ok to let go and move on start a new chapter in your life because thats what i surley did!
it was verry hard because i was a step mom of two kids ive known when the boy was 3 yrs of age, and the girl was 8 at the time. so they say after 5 years of blended family, kids accept the new person by then.
so as i was saying married to a man that i loved so much was far from feeling the same for me, many times lies lies lies and more lies, and then a double wammy betrayal. that hurt the most like i got the wind knocked out of me so hard it seemed like. its not a very fun place to be in but somehow nothing surprisez God everything goes through his hands first he didnt let me go through this because i didnt try hard enough... he did this so i can learn grow and stay connected to God my heavenly father. i still remember every details of all the lies i cought that person in and all the anger feelings/ and for him to always put me down emotionally abuse including his daughter. with my heart issues i couldnt handle all this stress and it wwas not ment for me, to stay in a marraige to someone who doesnt love me. betrayed me, I belive God hates divorse says in Bible/ but he also says if spouse does u wrong not willing to change he gives the innocent blessing to mary again/ to let go. so thats what i decided i just didn't want another year to be his floor ! to get walked on when ever he felt like:)
i'm only saying this because God just gave me the courage to write this... sometimes its painful to write but its sure helps the healing process! and to share! divorse is a ugly word i dont wish it uppon anyone at all. its the hardest thing to ever go through. I always thought i did good to be his wife/ and step mom and there were times i even tried harder for my own husband to notice me, wrong answer . there were days when the kids and i & he were home and i felt not wanted @ all not even in my own family!! that is the most horible feeling in the world also knowing that your spouse is always giving u the cold sholder. So that was my world for 7 years and my first marraige. every little girl dreams of there wedding day/ marraige to be and i put all my energery good motives / and doing extra cleaning/ extra cooking surprising him wwith meals which i hate to cook lol im good now but still not my faveorite lol.
some nights i would go to bed angry so many times because my own husband didnt feel the way i felt towards him that was like that 90 percent of the time..... i would go to bed crying many times when i was with him. i was the one who always said i love u first i belive its a big deal who says it first because i thought hmmmmm i always told him i love u and he wouldn't always reply, so one day i thought of not saying i love u @ all too see if he would notice, i got use to it and it was three weeks without me saying it, i would do so much for him and get nothing in return.
our personal time together at night would be less and less less/ i just didnt even care to keep on trying at times.
the woman he's been with he still thinks its totally find to keep talking with her being friends even though they both betrayed me. Before all that has happend i had so many dreams and nightmares about those two. i knew her very well she was my closest friend @ the time and (i thought) and shared many things with her. then she started talking to me less and more and more talking with him. i remember one day he had to go to work and he left his cell phone home and called me from another number and asked if i could bring his phone to work.
so i said sure i can do that for u and i remember clearly as i was driving to wk i had a chance to see his txt messages/ yes they were all from her. he would had her name under his daughters name.
so i glanced at the numbers instead of the names and the numbers were not his daughters number! So i saw txt meesages and different things like the other night was wonderful or i love u i cant live without u and so on, so my heart majorly jumped and i was soooooo angery is the nice word to say it. so i would always go through those issues . verry hurtful and betrayed by both people. wwhen she said the word the other night/ thats when my husband told me he was gona go wwork out at the gym. so i will stop there and i wanted to share those painful places in my heart so that u understand where im comming from.
so being single divorced finalized i've looked back at everything and i can easily say thank u Lord for bringing me through those painful events. I went through all the emotions that people go through in there divorces and i still go through them time to time, but not as heavy as it wwas in the begening. if u are going through what i did somewhat close and u see the signs dont ignore because its unfortaunatly its reality, God gives us a free will and if that spouse is not willing to change u need to move on, God doesnt want us to stay in a place and be stuck and not grow, and to move forward on to a better life, if that spouse willing to change work out take that to heart that is a blessing ! I wish mine wanted to change he does not. I put so much effort into my marraige as much as i can, and when i got that decree in the mail i was very proud of myself God be the Glory because it took me the last three years of praying deciding to move forward or not.
my church FCC family/ friends have been there so much for me through the 7 yrs and now.
God has blessed me & shown me who my real friends are and those who love me for me,
my paster the most said "Carrie I am your shepered and u are my sheep i am hear supporting u through this"
when he had told me that tears of reliefe came to me, i dont cry easily it takes alot for me to cry.
i never had a paster tell me that before* that was such a jentle blessing for me.
so friends i have learned to stay connected to a pausitive group of friends/ church friends/ friends/
family if pausible. because the worst thing u can do is to hold it all inside. do not loose focus on the One who carries u through. i prayed and prayed and the Lord told me I wanted u to go through this not to harm u but to give u future hope
Jer 29:11 and to show ohers to stay connected.!! I have learned not to withdraw from those who really do love u, because that is the best support group God gives u. stay focus and stay connected Jesus.
His love is true and faithful to compleate to the end.
think on things that are pure and lovely good mememories and teasure the good times even if there were very
little good times treasure those close to your heart, Always pray for those who did u wrong.
Always treat your self. like maybe milk shake / slushy /starbucks/ something u normally couldnt do when u were with your spouce. make it healthy. always be around friends even when u want to withdraw. that my friend takes baby steps. I knoww God will take your hand make sure he guides u. because He will.
Always do something for others* these are the things ive been focusing on staying connected to God.
take good advice from good friends* divorce can lead u down in great depression, sometimes we do have to hit bottom to realise God is God and we are not:) he knows he's all knowing and knows our secreat places in our hearts.
so please take baby steps thats all God ask i know because i am in the process of lettling God heal my heart again. and slowly surly He is bulding my confidance & joy again. hear is a verse that i read 2 thessolonians 1:6
take care friend, and relise life is short God doesn't want us to stay in the place and not grow, he wants us to stay connected to him and to always recharge our spirital battery. just like we have to charge our cell phones every night we have to charge our hearts. putting on the full armor of God.
Always Stay Connected*
K love.com /wayfm.com
all about God not me*
